I hope you are all enjoying or at least surviving the transition to fall. This time of year always feels more like the new year to me then January does. Whether we have children in school or not, you can sense the changes we are all going through as September rolls around each year. The weather changes, school buses, the stress in stores of parents and kids preparing for their new schedules and adventures. I sense so many different opportunities that seem to be exciting, confusing and yet, perfect for the moment we find ourselves in. As I shared last month, I still at times feel tired without an easily explained cause but have noticed when I give into it, in the absence of resistance, it passes.
I also feel strongly the need to speak up for myself and honor my needs & desires, whether physical or emotional. Not from a defeated, defensive or even attacking or resentful place but from a deep, healthy, loving place. I’ve “known” in my head that my needs and feelings matter at least as much as everyone else’s. The shift is that now I KNOW in my heart and soul just how unhealthy denying my needs for others is. I can see so clearly now just how loving it is to choose to be honest. My relationships are healing and the relationship that is the most in need of healing, I am discovering, is with myself. Ironically, that is the only one I am truly responsible for and to. I owe myself the love, respect and importance that I give so easily to others.
This balancing of my giving and receiving has felt just out of reach most of my life and is something that we all seem to have in common as people that want to do the “right, kind and loving” thing. The Angels say true and lasting change happens with every little baby step towards our goal. I guess I finally reached the tipping point. I am now able to offer myself compassion when I feel the need to please someone else instead of myself and realize I have a choice in that decision.
I can and will continue to love others as that is my true and deep nature and calling in this lifetime. But it seems like I now have a pause button that allows me to examine if I am full enough to share my energy, time or abundance. Sometimes I answer, “Yes.” Sometimes it is, “No.” Sometimes it is, “I am not really sure.” But always it is a choice. The automatic “YES!” without any thought to my needs and physical or emotional state seem to be gone right now. This is a huge step towards healing resentments towards those I have always automatically said “YES” to.
Loren, a wonderfully, powerful woman & spiritual teacher who works for Tony Robbins as a leader for the crew at his events shared her explanation of the 4 different aspects or archetypes of us Helper, Kind, or People Pleasing people. Many people also call us Lightworkers. This explains so clearly how we get out of balance and offers insight into how we can learn the importance of self love and getting our own needs met while still loving & being there for others.
The first characteristic or archetype of our personality is the Lover. The lover is just that, the part of us that loves to help, problem solve, jump in to be there for those in need and often feels so deeply the pain of others. This leads us to actually feel responsible or compelled to assist family, friends, co-workers or even strangers to ease their discomfort. It is the part that treats others like we want to be treated and just innately knows what needs to get done and does it. Nothing wrong with this…it is an important part of us and one of our biggest assets.
This leads us to the 2nd aspect of our giving personality which is the Slave or Prostitute. This is the part of us that gives and often ignores our own needs to bring relief to someone else even when it causes us discomfort in the process. This is also an important part of us, as sometimes we are called to step out of our comfort zone and be there for someone else. But we aren’t meant to live this role 24 hours a day, everyday for many years on end.
When we say Yes when we want to say No over and over, we don’t feel like we have a choice. This creates a pattern of self sacrifice and powerlessness that causes harm to our physical, emotional and spiritual selves. The slave/ prostitute is the part of us that doesn’t go to the bathroom when we need to because we’re too busy, feeds everyone else and forgets to eat ourselves and collapses into bed at the end of the day so happy that we got through the day and it is OVER. This is the part we feed late at night to bring comfort to the rest of us that has been denied all day, especially with yummy, self soothing treats. This just causes more harm to our physical bodies as it doesn’t truly feed or nourish our bodies or the emptiness. Most times we feel worse as this adds guilt and shame to the mix.
The slave/ prostitute in you often says, “What’s the big deal?” when someone asks you to do something you don’t really want to do. It apologizes for asking for her needs to be met or even that she has any. It is the part that develops illnesses, aches and pains, stress related and especially auto-immune diseases which is when our immune system attacks our healthy cells. It is a reflection of how we attack ourselves each day with our judgmental comments, denial of basic needs and absence of daily doses of JOY and peace. Some of you, on top of this, go to jobs that you don’t like 40 hours a week feeling you should be grateful to have a job.
Unfortunately, many spend 90% of our days and lives in these 2 patterns. But the good news is that there are 2 more archetypes that we all possess, but are out of practice using, that can bring us into balance. The reason is that we feel that the above two are the way God/ Jesus/ Our Creator or whomever you call the Power Greater then you, wants us to be. Our religions have taught us that being loving and selfless to others is the key to salvation or at least to being liked and loved. Statues are erected for Martyrs and Saints, right?
The truth is that priests, ministers, nuns and even Jesus himself had their needs met. None of them worries about food, a mortgage or paying for kids college tuition. They all did and do work they love, have their meals prepared, live in communities with like minded people that for the most part supported them and their mission or calling. Why is it that we feel that it is selfish to have our needs met or to take care of ourselves and say No at times to the demands placed on us from others? Jesus often left his disciples to go off on his own when he needed personal space to reconnect with God. Where did we learn that we must give and give until it hurts? Ironically, we think it is loving but in the end it is not. We just end up feeling angry, resentful and mad at the people we are helping and ourselves, none of which is loving!
Another one of my amazing teachers asked me who I need to impress or be good for? I said the usual, my family & friends but she pushed me to stretch. So I added myself. She pushed me further and asked me what about God or my Creator? I said of course but I always feel that I fall short.
What happened next was truly profound and something I do often now with my Coaching and Angelic Empowerment clients. She asked me to close my eyes, drop down into my heart and ask myself what does God really think of me? I felt and knew on such a deep level that God isn’t the one cracking the whip or pushing me beyond my energy. Deep in my heart, I knew in that moment when I stopped long enough to listen, that God adores me and wants me to rest, play, be, taste, smell and truly live all the wonderful experiences that He/She has created and of course love. My Creator wants me to love myself as much as I am loved and then to share this love to others.
This naturally leads to the next two aspects, gifts or choices given to us at creation that are so important. They are essential if we want grow spiritually and truly do what we came here to do, which is love ourselves AND others while living a full wonderful human life. This is what I feel I have been working on so powerfully right now and will continue to strengthen.
The 3rd aspect is the Warrior. This is the part of our kind, loving spirit that is fearless, confident and feels deserving of blessings. Unfortunately, it is usually only activated to stand up to, defend or help others and rarely to stand up for ourselves. Its the part of us that rises up to stop someone from harming an animal or person without a thought of the consequences to ourselves. It does not attack, steal, force or conquer. It stands tall, grounded in the power of grace, self love, acceptance and the knowing that it deserves respect just like every other creature. In the light of the Warrior’s presence all judgment, fear & darkness disappear.
It is the powerful, fearless part of us that says, “Everything works out well for me and everyone else.” It KNOWS that All is well. Always. In contrast, when we play small, constantly choosing the selfless and often suffering path which feels virtuous, we are often kept from our purpose of leading, empowering and loving others. We are too busy trying to get our basic needs met or the needs of others to be free to activate this inner power and strength to truly uplift and inspire others in a big way.
We are being called to activate the Warrior for ourselves by putting our foot down and commanding that our physical, financial and emotional needs be met. No one else’s needs are more important than ours. We are all equally deserving of peace, JOY and freedom. So to activate this in yourself, stand up, put your shoulders back, chest out and feel the power within that you would use to defend someone else. Now turn that inward. KNOW that you deserve well being just like everyone else. Tell the Universe that it is time for things to work out for you. Is it your job that needs to fulfill you more? Your relationships? Do your finances need to improve? Do you need help feeling deserving or to stop sabotaging yourself? Tell your Creator and the Universe in a booming, strong voice. “It is time for things to change. I say YES to this. Bring it on. Bring it ON! BRING IT ON!” Then add your personal Thank you.
Over the days and weeks ahead catch yourself with your shoulders slouched, feeling like a victim, saying things like, “I can’t change it.” Or “If only they would __________I would feel better.” Or “What’s the big deal if I do this for them even though I don’t want to and am exhausted?” Remind yourself that if it is a small part of your day that you are the Slave/ Prostitute, that is ok. That is part of being a Lightworker. But it shouldn’t be MOST of your day. One day I counted how many times I was the Slave and Prostitute and it was 8 times before lunch. I hadn’t done one thing for myself that morning including eat breakfast. Yikes!
Also, I highly recommend you allow the Warrior in you to have NO tolerance for mean or self loathing comments towards yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, partner, family member or co-worker, you CAN’T say it to you. I bet you wouldn’t even think it of anyone else. Why is it ok to say over and over to ourselves then? If you were driving from RI to CA with a mean person yelling at you, wouldn’t you kick them out of the car by CT. Sometimes we spend most of our lives listening to that mean voice. Tell it Good BYE!!! when it shows up.
Ready for the last aspect or my favorite? It is the Queen or King archetype of Helpers or Lightworkers. This is not the bratty princess but the respectful, loving, responsible adult that cares deeply for everyone in the kingdom. They are responsible but also have all their needs met. Their castle has been paid for hundreds of years. There is no mortgage. They have people to cook their meals, clean their home and assist them in taking care of their children. This is kind of like the priests, ministers and nuns that have their needs met, right? They also have important roles or ways that they contribute to the world through their charity missions. In other words, they do work they love.
The King and Queen archetype of Lightworker or Helper people really embodies all the other 3 aspects but in a balanced, healthy way. They love and care for others, feel responsible but in an empowering, inspirational way & take good care of themselves. They sometimes need to be the slave or prostitute and do what they don’t want to do for the greater good of all, but this is a small part of their role. They activate the Warrior by expecting their needs to be met , holding others accountable for doing their part and don’t create or encourage victims. They are confident, respectful of others and stand in their power when needed without attacking or infringing on the power of others. Doesn’t this feel better, more balanced and what God wants for you?
So where do you mostly live these days? Are you mostly the Lover? I would bet everyone can say yes to that. Are you mostly the Slave or Prostitute, not feeling much joy (or even wondering what joy is) while you unconsciously deny your needs over and over to fulfill the needs of others? Or have you had your fill of that and the Warrior is activated and you are angry, resentful and fed up with how your life is going?
The Warrior stage can be challenging as our nature is to be peaceful, kind and loving. Feeling angry at those we feel we should or have to help is very uncomfortable. Also, the people we have helped often don’t want us to take care of ourselves. They like to be victims and taken care of, but you came here to empower not dis-empower or carry others. So if this is you, we all give you permission to put your Warrior foot down and let the Angels move you through this to the Queen/ King energy. For this is where we remember how important balance is, get to live healthy, fun, loving lives filled with JOY, peace, abundance in all its wonderful forms and are truly alive and free.
I hope this helps and that you will join me in reflecting on this and how you can release old patterns and activate the Queen or King energy in your life. It is so incredibly important that we be healthy & balanced as this planet isn’t slowing down and there is so much darkness in need of our light & love. Many amazing, beautiful spirits are leaving their bodies or wanting to leave as it is exhausting to be the Slave/ prostitute. If this is you I hope this ignites you to stay & find your balance, health and JOY again. It isn’t easy and feels uncomfortable to change as we want everyone to like us and tell us how wonderful we are for our “doing.” But we don’t grow if we stay the same and the growing pains are natural.
The best gift of it all is that as I make space in my life and mind from those crazy have-to-do-it-all/ be-it-all thoughts it frees my energy to do what I love but have been “too busy” to do. I am having a blast doing things I never had time for like a hot air balloon ride, movies during the day, jump roping, blowing bubbles at red lights, going for early morning walks along the river, hula hooping and I have so many ideas for this fall. Apple picking, the Pumpkin exhibit at Roger Williams Park Zoo, a comedian show & the Big E are some of the things I have wanted to do for a long time and will do this fall. When I have fun and am filled with JOY I have so much more to share when I am asked to do for others. Then I share THAT instead of my emptiness.
This newsletter took and turned out way longer than I intended so in the spirit of self love, I am going to do these newsletters/ blogs regularly every other month or maybe sooner if the Spirit moves me. I have been writing them every month since 2003 and each month seems to come sooner! 🙂 I hope to see you soon at one of my Workshops, Gatherings, as one of my ongoing Coaching clients, or at a Private session while we have fun this fall. For now, I offer you all my deepest heartfelt prayers that you receive your Creator’s blessings and know how BE- loved you truly are.
love, love, love you,
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